Thanks, everybody -- it really means a lot, the support and words of encouragement.
...and from a practical sense, I know there's no such thing as half a dad. I mean... I do get that, intellectually. But I suppose where I come from with that sort of expression is that there are now some days where there's just not any dadding to be done.
There was an old advertisement I remember seeing maybe 15 years ago, with a guy in his mid 30s with his infant daughter on his chest, laying there. At the time it was something that hit me hard because we were pre-kids and both my ex and I were feeling the lack of kids in our life but weren't ready logistically and career-wise to have them. So the advertisement kind of stuck around in my mind.
Later on I remember thinking of that ad with a variety of emotions. Sometimes in a kind of happy sense, of "ah yes, I was a dad today" if I had some sort of triumph where I felt like I provided emotional support or something in a way nobody else could for my particular son. Or in kind of a "eff you, ad," sense on days that were super hard particularly when he was really young and we were constantly sleep deprived and we couldn't figure out the infant reflux thing, etc. Not that I ever really had illusions about dadding being a super easy thing, but the ad always seemed kind of saccharine in those contexts.
More recently that ad has been popping back into my head, because on days where I don't have custody, sometimes the ad pops into my head and I think "f no, I wasn't a dad today at all. I didn't even see him." My son doesn't like talking on the phone, and prefers to not really have contact with the parent who doesn't have custody at the time, and that's not really new since it also applied whenever my ex was traveling over the years and I had him solo. He prefers to just see us when we get back. And most days we do make sure that we both see him at least a bit, but on Saturday for instance that was about a 5 minute thing on my part.
So it's complicated, really. My ex and I both try to play to what he needs and not introduce extra transitions or whatever, while at the same time both being available to him whenever he wants us. So I'm not suggesting here that the setup is suboptimal from his perspective, we're basing it on what he wants and needs in the first place. But because of his (understandable) preferences for not getting sad thinking about the absent parent and instead focusing on being in the moment with the parent he is with, that does mean that there are days in the latter half of the week where I go "yeah I wasn't a dad today."
Which is new. Aside from a trio of trips with my ex without our son, and one trip she and he took without me, I haven't spent any nights away from him since he was born. My ex travels for work, but I stopped doing that (except for PAX East 2012) since my son was born.
That's probably TMI, but basically that's where I come from with that. It's more a personal thing than something that is actually negative for my son. He has me whenever he needs me, and I know he'll never think of me as half a dad. But it's a very odd thing to be sitting around on a given day and go "wait, I can just leave the house whenever I want, easily, and I don't have to check with anyone or arrange care or get him on board to come with or whatever?" That untethered feeling is odd and in some ways the sort of freedom that parents all dream of, right? Remember when you could just leave the house at will? It's kind of cool. Until you remember why.
Things will be okay, and mostly I'm feeling pretty cheerful about things. There are a lot of positive prospects in my life these days, so who knows precisely what the future holds. But for anyone wondering about the origin of that comment, "half a dad," that's where I'm coming from.
----
In other news, I have some paperwork to go through today (W2s and 1099s have to go out by the end of January, sigh), and then I'm taking off early to pick up my son from school and spend time with him since today IS one of my custody days, and so I won't have as much time as I'd hoped in order to accomplish creative work on AI War 2. But I will have my decks nice and cleared for tomorrow, which is good. I'm hoping to hit transports as one of the earlier items on my list, since I know people have been wanting those for a long time with this game and I had a good idea on how to implement them during my sabbatical.
----
Oh, and on the non-dad parts of the subject... again, all of that really means a lot, too. I intend to be around here for a very long time, unless the market kicks me out. And I've been really really glad to be able to have a positive impact on other folks, and Puffin and Misery I know what it means to you and it's one of the things that has meant a lot to me in my work, too. Working with folks in your circumstances who would be wasted in so many other scenarios in life, but who do amazing work here, is something I'm really grateful I get to be a part of. There's a lot I'm really grateful for, frankly. I don't always keep that in sight as well as I should, but I try.
Thanks to everyone here for reminding me of the good things.
